Employee Handbook

Hinting that anything is not perfect at any time is cause for termination.

All employees must work overtime every day, regardless of whether assigned work has been completed. Repeated failure to work more than 8 hours in a day is grounds for termination.

Employees must constantly type on their keyboards as fast as possible all day. Reviewing, pondering, planning, wondering, investigating, and the like are considered forms of shirking and will result in termination.

Writing a positive (5-star) review on Glassdoor is compulsory. Glassdoor reviews MUST highlight the FANTASTIC company culture. While the company is unable to verify the authorship of reviews, anyone suspected of writing an unfavorable review will be terminated.

Agreement with the CEO at all times is recommended, and any employee considered to be in violation of this policy will be terminated.

Any employee must go out to lunch with the CEO if the CEO requests it. Please note that the cost of lunches is not reimbursed. The cost may range from $12 to $14 and will take place at a mediocre restaurant. Employees are reminded that mandatory lunches with the CEO are included in the FANTASTIC company culture. Inadequate lunch participation is highly frowned upon and is likely to lead to termination.

Employees must join all applicable Slack channels and respond to posts with the appropriate animated emoji as soon as possible. Once an emoji has received seven upvotes, it is recommended that the next most appropriate animated emoji be chosen. For example, if seven people have already used the dancing panda, the next employee to respond to a post should select the dancing dinosaur. Misuse of emojis will result in termination.

Should you have any questions regarding these policies, it is recommended that you keep them to yourself. There is no one to ask, first of all; and second of all, the fact that you have questions is a strong indicator that you are not a good fit. In fact, it is recommended that you pack up your belongings and exit the premises now. Don’t let the door hit you on your way out.

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